Sarah, Back Seat Driver
Posted on February 7, 2008
Filed Under What Sarah Says | Leave a Comment
This really drives me nuts. Not only does my wife do this, but Sarah too!
Well, my wife got a taste of her own medicine. *chuckle*… Today, Sarah and my wife were shopping in town. They were sitting at a red light and when the light turned green, my wife started to drive.
“Slow down!” shouted Sarah.
“I have to go, honey. There are cars behind us,” my wife said, laughing.
“I’m not talking to you!” Sarah stated, pointing at another driver.
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Posted on February 5, 2008
Filed Under Role Modeling | Leave a Comment
I am husband to the step-below step parent. I should have had a better understanding of the issues my new wife and I would have to deal with when we got married, but I honestly thought that we would handle whatever comes our way. I still do think we can handle it, but the price of the learning curve has been almost unbearable at times, especially for my wife.
Take, for instance, this situation: It is not unusual for an ex wife to set off a negative tone by not acknowledging the existance of the step below parent. Depending upon how mule headed she can be, this can go on for an amazing amount of time, and take on a variety of forms. In our situation, I think that 7 years is a long time.
This attitude has had an effect on the kids. Most notably, they have learned to take my wife for granted and have not learned to express appreciation without prompting for just about anything. Empathy and appreciation is hard to express if it’s not felt first.
How do you teach the concept of appreciation to a kid? I believe that all kids have the basic seeds of appreciation just from natural social interaction. Perhaps the trick is recognising and nurturing this trait when the opportunity presents itself. Like many lessons in life, I think follow-through is critical.
Today, my three, almost four year old is making a get well card for her baby sitter. It was her idea. All we had to do was help her follow through on it. On the other hand, my oldest two daughters have never given a card of any kind to my wife. Not Christmas, birthday, mothers day… Maybe this is petty to a degree, but I don’t think so. I still send pictures, cards, and letters to my ex-mother-in-law, not just because she is the girls grandmother, but because years ago she was very good to my ex-wife and I.
The former is one of those issues that just eat at you after a few years. I don’t like to see my wife hurt. I’ve tried to communicate this to my ex on a couple of occasions, but she maintains it is my job to make sure my wife is thought of. What the hell does that mean? My wife watches, entertains, does laundry, cooks, and is there for them in every way. What’s wrong with having just a little foresight and making sure that the person that spends a lot of time with your kids isn’t thought of with at least a card at Christmas.
I’m baffled.
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Posted on February 1, 2008
Filed Under Ex Spouse Relationship, Pick Your Battles, Relationships | Leave a Comment
“Live by the sword, die by the sword” can apply to the warring camps of blended households too. How this applies to warring, divorced parents is like this: He or she who draws the most blood, loses. My philosophy on issues that my ex and I disagree upon is simple. I’ve learned how to pick my battles, and I’ve learned that I have very little control over some of the situations that occur with my children when they are in “the other camp.” So unless it’s something pretty extreme, I try not to step in and I try to refrain from “bad-mouthing” the other parent in front of the kids no matter how tempting it is.
It takes a long time, usually well into adulthood, before a child of divorce can develop true perspective. There are always two sides to a story, and then there is the truth. Often the “truth” is never really a case of black and white, and ultimately does it really matter who was right or wrong in the first place? I was a child of divorce too and as a young adult I thought it mattered who was right and who was wrong. Yet as I grew older I realized that my parents weren’t super humans with unnatural powers. They were just ordinary people… just like me.
My experience has shown me that kids either try to pick sides, or they avoid the issue altogether. The best course of action as parents in blended households is to keep the skirmishes out of sight as much as possible. If a child views you as the aggressor toward the other parent, this will come back to haunt you.
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Posted on January 24, 2008
Filed Under Communication, Relationships | 1 Comment
Some of you have wondered how come I changed my name from “you know who” to Cottsay Ownetay, on Printnpost.com. I think it’s time I owe you an explanation. You will find the explanation at first funny, but ultimately tragic.
First of all, it was not a clever marketing ploy, although my traffic has inexplicably increased since the infamous name change. In fact, I am considering writing an entire article in Pig Latin., something along the lines of “How I made my first million using Pig Latin.” What do you think? Hah, Hah!
It’s actually my wife’s doing. And my ex wife. I’ll explain about the ex in a minute.
A few months back, we noticed that my daughters were becoming increasingly “big-eared” and nosy. Rather than wait for some quiet time alone to talk about “sensitive information” that might get back to the “other camp”, my wife came up with the ingenious idea of using Pig Latin around the girls at times.
It drove my daughters nuts to say the least. I still laugh my butt off when I think about it. Hee hee! The girls didn’t have a clue what we were saying and stared at us like strange aliens had taken over our bodies. (It’s even more convincing if you can change your accent and throw a grunt in once in awhile).
It took the girls quite awhile to catch on, and even then, they struggled with the translation.
The first part of this post explains a little back history of the Pig Latin gag, but the next part of this post deals with the the underlying tragedy. The not-so-funny stuff. I apologize ahead of time if the following seems a little harsh, but “It is What It Is.” This definitely qualifies as an ex-bomb.
Recently my Ex dug up another parisite, and I found out that he spends a lot of time on the Internet. Changing my name to Cottsay is my feeble attempt to cover some of my tracks. Not that it really matters a whole lot. It’s probably too late. Just in case it is too late, these next lines are for my Ex-wife’s new husband, who recently made his debut by introducing my kids to uncensored MTV, violent video games and by borrowing thousands of dollars (and not paid back) from several of my ex in-laws.
- “Dear As*hole. I know about your record and your reputation as a con artist. You call yourself “Iceman”, but in reality several of your associates refer to you as “Worm.” You have burrowed your way into my gullible ex-wife’s life and finances in an amazingly short amount of time. Congratulations. I am watching with interest this drama as it unfolds and in particular, your effect on my daughters.
I could say a lot more, but will leave it at that for now…..
If you like this post, please consider buying me a cup of coffee.If I Only Knew Then…
Posted on January 20, 2008
Filed Under Relationships | Leave a Comment
……what I know now.” This statement is a common reaction from those step-parents “in the trenches” who get flak from all sides. Many times it is the the “step-below” step parent I refer to in my earlier post The Three Categories of Step Parents, who is the most stressed out, but not always. Problems often develop when the spouse of a step parent balks at confronting issues brought to his/her attention, whether it is issues with the step children themselves, or the EX.
Avoidance is the buzz word in this type of relationship, which invariably results in the step parent feeling powerless. In fact, the feeling of powerlessness is an underlying theme for step parents caught in this trap, either from lack of support from the spouse or a feeling of general helplessness from getting yanked around whenever the EX creates drama. The bottom line here is this: The more support a spouse is able to give a struggling step parent, the less likely he/she will ever hear the “If I Only Knew Then” statement.
Most step parents didn’t have a clue about how hard step parenting could be before they got married to their “slightly used” spouse and luggage. In all likelihood the spouse probably didn’t know either. Step parenting is a situation that even if you are well warned, you either feel it can’t be that bad and that you will be in control, or you are quite literally blinded by love. And “love sweet love”, trumps all…. Right? *chuckle*
If you, as the new step parent, came from an upbringing that has never experienced divorce, marrying into the “Blender” is comparable to landing on the face of an alien planet. You will be unpleasantly surprised. Even if you have come from a broken home, you probably didn’t have a clue as to what happens behind the scenes, or more to the point, the emotions that happen behind the scenes.
Without me getting into the multitude of issues that are packed tightly away in the Samsonite, I wanted to start a simple poll with the following question:
If you knew back then what you know now, would you have still married your spouse?
If you don’t see a poll on this post please look on the side bar. Meanwhile, feel free comment below, or better yet vote and comment. Thanks!
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About Me
I understand step parent issues. I've been a step parent, have a step parent, and I am married to a wonderful step parent.
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